Valentine’s Day…Hmm

11 Feb

With the advent of another Malentine’s Day (n.: a bad Valentine’s day; one in which the participant has no one with whom to share Valentine’s Day), I ponder two things: what would I prepare if, in fact, I had a Valentine?  More importantly– what will I make for myself/single friends?  Hell, for some reason, I am off-cycle with the calendar: according to my estimates, if Valentine’s Day fell in the summer, I probably would have had a handful of them so far, and I would have many fewer Malentine’s Days.  I don’t believe I have had a Valentine since the seventh grade, upon which I ate at a diner.

Back to business:  Valentine’s Day seems to be hard to cook for.  What if you and your significant other don’t like the same foods? For me, this would never be a problem: don’t date a vegetarian, picky eater, allergic-to-everything, or gastro-intestinally distressed man.  Do I include the cliche aphrodisiac foods that are so often present on menus around V-Day? No.  If you aren’t turned on by your significant other without added food-efits, that’s nothing oysters, figs, chocolate, or even something as obvious as Fluff could fix.  Sorry.  Besides, as evidenced in a documentary I once saw, figs are pee-inducing.  So if you don’t want your date to spend the night pissing, don’t make him/her figs.  Or lobster, for that matter.  This is another aphrodisiac with ill-effects.  Lobsters make you flatulent. So if you don’t want a stanky date, don’t make lobster.

The answer to cooking for you and your date lies in making unpretentious, normal food.  It should be delicious, but it shouldn’t be, “Look, all this food will make us have better sex!”  All those articles on Epicurious and other websites are entertaining, but if people enjoy food porn on a normal basis, what is the point of sticking to certain foods that don’t specifically look more appealing?  I think I’d rather have a hunk of seared foie gras or monkfish liver than a salad of treviso just because it’s red like V-Day.

If I had a Valentine and access to a lot of ingredients, I would make us this dinner:

Sea Urchin out of the shell and really dry, crisp Champagne

Seared heart with red wine gastrique and melted fennel and either a lighter red or maybe even a rose Champagne


Chocolate-Habanero Milkshake with Salt

A toothbrush and Crest toothpaste

However, since I will be celebrating Malentine’s Day, I will have to figure out something else.  Maybe I will make something for the Chinese New Year.  I like Asian food.  Or maybe I’ll do some throwbacks to old favorites.  But we’ll see.  I’ll keep you posted if you promise one thing, dear reader: Don’t have a cliche aphrodisiac Valentine’s Day!


2 Responses to “Valentine’s Day…Hmm”

  1. dominic c. February 11, 2010 at 5:11 am #

    i like your blog. did you get your meat glue yet?

    • getinmebelly February 11, 2010 at 3:12 pm #

      I did get it! Thanks for the heads up, by the way. I will soon be posting my epic hero-journey with meat glue, so stay tuned; I’ve got glued meat cooking sous-vide right now.

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