The Fucking Cleanse Diet

11 Aug

Recently, half of my family, myself excluded, decided to start a diet prescribed by a doctor, author of the book Clean. Alejandro Junger, the doctor and author, created a diet meant to cleanse a person’s intestinal track and body.  After a summer of partying and overeating, my mom decided to go on the cleanse; her friend was a week into it and spoke its virtues.  So, my mom bought Clean and began to read up on the do’s and don’ts of the Clean diet.  My dad and sister, both suckers for an enticing read and compelling information, picked up the book and found it convincing enough–they both decided to join my mom on her cleanly journey.  And here I am, thankful that they’re waiting to start until I leave for school–how could I cater to their demanding regimen for the three weeks they’d be following it?

So what exactly does the diet involve?  Well, I haven’t read much of the book, but as my mom explains, Junger suggests eating only the foods he allows in order to achieve a cleaner colon.  And the list of allowable foods doesn’t include many ingredients we consume in everyday food items.

No wheat.  No alcohol (momma says forget that part–it’s a deal breaker).  No dairy.   No tomatoes.  No eggs.  No oranges, grapefruit, strawberries, grapes, or bananas.  No nondairy creamers.  No barley, corn, spelt, kamut, rye, or oats.  No raw fish.  No pork, veal, beef, or shellfish.  No soy.  No peanuts, pistachios, or macadamia nuts.  No eggplants or peppers.  No shortening.  No coffee, soda, or caffeinated beverages.  No refined sugar, honey, or maple syrup.  No chocolate.  No ketchup.  Basically, no condiments.

Ultimately, the dieter should be eating raw veggies, cooked fish, game meat, chicken, and lamb.  They can have most nuts, nut oils, nut milks, vinegar, and most fruits.  It’s not all bad–you just have to get creative.

Apparently, for breakfast and dinner, the dieter can only drink a liquid meal–like a juice or a shake.  My mom just bought a juicer to make all different colored drinks–but they’re mostly green.  Today’s juice was kale, apple, broccoli, cucumber, celery, and cabbage.  It tastes really good, but these juices will probably become disenchanting after my family members have had them every day as a meal for a week.

Luckily, I don’t have to experience the madness.  Although I believe that going on the Clean diet would benefit overall health and intestinal health for sure, I won’t be able to go on it easily at school, and I don’t fucking want to anyway.  I like butter, and heavy cream is one of my favorite foods.  And I’m not saying farewell to maple syrup anytime soon.  So for now, I proudly pronounce myself Dirty.  And it tastes great.

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One Response to “The Fucking Cleanse Diet”

  1. Brian Clark August 11, 2010 at 8:15 pm #

    If I could marry an idea, it would be that which you have expressed here… Eat what makes you happy…

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